A friend needs our help

by PWSux on May 19, 2011

Hey everyone!

It’s me!

PWSux!

tap, tap, tap, ……. Is thing on?

Listen, I need your attention for a minute because we’ve got a problem.  Well I don’t have a problem, I’m perfect, but one of our own does.

I know.  Shocking!

And I want us all to join together as one to help our dear friend.

While we’re doing this, I’d like to mention that I’m wearing mint green men’s overalls.  This fact has nothing to do with our little mission here today but I thought it was important to mention.

Please feel feel to post what you’re wearing!  Go ahead, join in!

I’m sure without a shadow of a doubt that not a one of you look as fabulous as I do in my mint green men’s overalls (which has nothing to do with this mission) but I know that whenever I ask you to join in or “post your own” or anything like that, it makes you feel like I’m paying attention to you.  Like I value your opinion.

Which I don’t.  But I know that it makes you feel like it does and that’s what’s important.

I’m all about helping you feel good.

Not like those websites with teenage Russian girls that are naked RIGHT NOW! and have been waiting for you to call them but just in a general overall feel good kind of way.

Not that there’s anything wrong with talking with those little Russian teenage girls!  I’m not here to judge you for your decisions and the-pearly-gates-of-heaven as my witness, I’m not creating no controversies or anything like that because those poor little naked Russian teenage girls need attention just like the rest of us and they deserve to make their own decisions so if spending time waiting for you on the internet gets their rocks off, well then they surely have the right to do that and you absolutely have the right to talk with them and feel good in your own little special way!

I’m all about everyone feeling good!

I’m also all about mentioning heaven or God or sometimes church and definitely the big beautiful Catholic churches full of gold treasures that causes me to burst into tears when I enter.  I’m definitely about those!

Amen.

OK, I just wanted to mention all that and get it off my chest.

Speaking of my chest….. I was watching my husband do man stuff yesterday and I SOOOO wanted to lactate!  The urge was STRONG in me!

Help me Rhonda!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, my mint green overalls (which have nothing to do with this mission).

So I’m sitting here in my mint green overalls and I see a comment from one of my beloved friends that says this about The New Yorker article:

1) Absolutely no mention of her brother Mike, who has been featured so prominently on her blog. Her mother is mentioned, and even quoted, but not Mike or any of the siblings.

2) All the kids (except the six year old) DRIVE? Is that even legal? I know it’s on their property, but still….

3) The author of the article called PW’s homeschooling (that the author witnessed) “desultory”. The author really hammered home that the six year old cannot pronounce the letter “R”, and that one of the daughters spent the homeschooling time complaining about a science project she had to do. Wonder if that was the project PW deigned to feature on her homeschooling section. The kids begged to ‘do school’ after being outside working cattle in the chilly morning. Yeah, I’d rather work on my science project than herd giant cows through pens, too. Poor kids.

4) The idiot blog was started the day Ladd took all the kids out to work cattle with him…including the ONE YEAR OLD, who rode on his saddle with him. What moron has a baby on a horse with him?

5) The over-Photoshopping was mentioned; the writer even calls the blue color Ree gives her kids’ eyes ‘artificial’. Then quotes Ree as claiming that “early on” she used Photoshop “too much.”

I know.

You’re wondering who in the world could have left something like this and just WHAT were they smoking so you could have some too!  You could get together with Ree and all be pot-smoking hippies-from-the-80′s!

I crack myself up sometimes.

So, as I was saying, I’m sitting here in my mint green overalls and I see this comment come through and realize that poor Karen has obviously taken a bump to the head or something, maybe she’s stoned off her rocker, maybe she’s drunk again, who knows.  But since I’m all about helping people understand and learn and be more like me, I figured I could help her.

And you can too!

Here’s the plan…….. and just so you know, I’m all about helping charities too so for every person who helps Karen along and for every time that Karen THANKS that person in my comments here I’m going to have my uber-rich uncle donate a tenth of 1% of a penny to the charity of my choice!

And not just a charity to Saks like I tried to do that one time, but a real honest to goodness charity that does good in the community like helps people who can’t afford to shop at Saks so maybe one day they CAN!

How cool is that!

I KNOW!

So what I’m going to do is copy her comment again and then sort of like photoshop it to make it better by showing her where she was just acting kind of drunk and stuff.  Like this….

1) Absolutely no mention of her brother Mike, who has been featured so prominently on her blog. Her mother is mentioned, and even quoted, but not Mike or any of the siblings.

Oh Karen you poor ignorant fool.  Don’t you know that Mike was only featured when she could call him “retarded” to prove how awesomely normal and just-like-everyone-else she is?  She needed him to gain the sympathy of her readers and get her one step closer to sainthood!  Or at least a TV show.  Besides, he isn’t even “retarded” anymore!  He’s “developmentally disabled” now and that just doesn’t make as good of copy.

Then there’s Betsey.  Betsey Wetsey.  Ree took topless pictures of her in an “artful” manner while the kids were in the other room and then put them on the internet.  Do I need to say more?

Let’s not forget the older brother that’s in the God-awful wrestling picture she posts all the time and has left a string of unhappy ex-wives as well as participated in, let’s just say, “questionable” behavior with girls who meant yes and said no (according to about a dozen emails I’ve received).

And don’t think for a minute that Stepmonster Patsy’s going to talk with The New Yorker!  She might have to explain why her own kids can’t stand being in the same room with Ree and that would just be all kinds of bad.

No, Gee was a good choice there.  The only choice, really.

2) All the kids (except the six year old) DRIVE? Is that even legal? I know it’s on their property, but still….

Silly, beautiful, drunk or stoned Karen, of COURSE it’s not legal! How many pre-teens do you see driving down the road honey?  DUH!  You’ve been around for a while now Karen, surely you’ve realized that the laws don’t apply to the Drummonds.  Hellooooo?  Earth to Karen.  They are “up here” and everyone else is “down there” and only those “down there” who can’t afford to buy off police or lunch with Senators or be the largest landowner in the State get tickets.

3) The author of the article called PW’s homeschooling (that the author witnessed) “desultory”. {emphasis PWSux} The author really hammered home that the six year old cannot pronounce the letter “R”, and that one of the daughters spent the homeschooling time complaining about a science project she had to do. Wonder if that was the project PW deigned to feature on her homeschooling section. The kids begged to ‘do school’ after being outside working cattle in the chilly morning. Yeah, I’d rather work on my science project than herd giant cows through pens, too. Poor kids.

Sweetie, everybody knows that Ree Drummond is NOT Type A!  You KNOW that!  She’s a Type we’ll-do-what-I-want-when-I-want-and-when-I’m-home-on-this-God-forsaken-fucking-ranch-and-not-on-a-tour-staying-in-fancy-hotels.  Which means that whenever Ree FEELS like “doing school” they do and when she doesn’t, well they don’t!  It’s very simple!

Of course the fact that she’s now convinced Missy to take her kids out of school and start that little Drummond School on the Prairie means that she had to hire a couple of teachers to actually “DO school” but she couldn’t let that reporter know that because, DUH, that’s not really homeschooling now is it?  And then all them homeschooling fans of hers might realize that she’d told just a tiny untruth or fib or maybe just stretched the truth a tad or just sort of portrayed herself as something she’s not and then OH. MY. GOD! her PR team told her that could cause a possible .05% loss of readers and she can’t have THAT!

Besides, ALL kids would choose to “do school” after years of getting up at 3:45 am and doing hard labor – just ask those ancient factory workers!  But if all kids got whatever they wanted or got treated like other normal kids, the world would be full of happy children, Pokemon shit, and McDonald’s Happy Meals.

Oh.

Well just ignore that part.

4) The idiot blog was started the day Ladd took all the kids out to work cattle with him…including the ONE YEAR OLD, who rode on his saddle with him. What moron has a baby on a horse with him?

Really?  You dare to call fourth-generation rancher who puts a one year old baby in the saddle with him while in a herd of unpredictable cattle a moron?  Oh come on Karen!  Never in the history of the world has there been a cowboy, let alone a youngster, get hurt while in the saddle working cattle so it’s perfectly natural to put babies up there with them!  DUH!  Pregnant women and post-surgical patients also get into the swing of things too and make EXCELLENT candidates for cattle working.

Open your mind Karen.

Fer real.

Ask any good rancher and I’ll bet he tells you that not only did his mother birth him right there in that back pasture in the middle of a cattle herd, but he took all 17 of his kids out working cattle the day after they were born and they all turned out jess’ fine.  It’s like a right of passage.

Except for the four that got stomped by bulls.  But they were silly kids who went out to the front yard to play which as everybody knows, is dangerous because the front yard by the swingset is where the bulls are!  So, you know, they were asking for it!

5) The over-Photoshopping was mentioned; the writer even calls the blue color Ree gives her kids’ eyes ‘artificial’. Then quotes Ree as claiming that “early on” she used Photoshop “too much.”

Karen, I swear it’s like you’re new here or something!  Everybody knows that those kids aren’t quite “perfect” enough to be on her blog so she has to “tweek” their pictures just slightly in order to make them look “right”.  Besides, that was in the early days and now all those pictures look absolutely natural, just look at the series she posted the other day where her son has totally NORMAL eyes.

Whew!  That was a LOT of help I just gave Karen, don’t you think?  I really hope I cleared some things up for her while I was sitting here in my mint green overalls!  I hope she’s grateful to me like I deserve.

Now it’s your turn!

I haven’t forgotten to ask you to comment so that you’ll feel important!  My very own publicist, secretary, assistant, housekeeper, cleaning crew, teachers, lawyer, and PR team all reminded me to do that while they were picking my toes for me this morning and ironing my mint green overalls (which has nothing to do with this mission).

I love when others do my work for me.

I love watching others do work.

Most of all, I love not doing work.

It’s ethereal.

It brings tears to my eyes and I’ve never been able to explain it.

So I just let them flow.

Amen.

And don’t forget the charity giveaway!!  I’m totally prepared to tap my rich uncle for AT LEAST $10.00.  So come one you guys, MAKE A DIFFERENCE for those in need!

Over and out,

~PWSux


{ 42 comments }

Mo (just another) May 19, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do for Karen, I mean I fan her and make her put her feet up all the time when she gets the vapors.

OK I only did it once. Still: helping!

But I can say with complete confidence that I thoroughly enjoyed your use of color and italics in that post.

I am wearing a mint green business suit. It may or may not be velour, I’m not telling.

Karen May 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

And I appreciate that help, Mo! At 35 weeks pregnant I can use all the fanning I can get.

Mo (just another) May 19, 2011 at 1:34 pm

.000001¢ down, ten billion to go!

PWSux May 19, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I’m totally loving the fact that you complimented me while still mentioning how you helped out Karen!

Good on you!

Maggie May 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Oh PWSux! Am I first? Am I first? I am NEVER first!

You are such an inspiration! I bet you look uh-MAY-zing in your mint green overalls. Though I don’t know how you do it with all those dee-lish recipes you post! Lawsy me! I had to post because I am sitting here with tears welling up in my eyes over how much you are giving back. You have such a giving heart. Can I come out to your place sometime and meet you? I promise I won’t say anything bad about it afterwards and I’ll even do the dishes. Pinky swear!

Pie Near Woman May 19, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I… I… I… don’t know what to say! I feel so LIED TO! I feel like a girl who is saying no but meaning yes for YEARS! I feel like my BRAIN HAS BEEN RAPED! Thank you PW Sux! Thank you for clearing this all up for me! The Drummonds are simply better than the rest of us. Now I UNDERSTAND!

poppy May 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I’m de-lurking to help out a friend in need. Also, can I use this as a tax write-off? Did you know that green is the most restful color for the eye? It is because the lens of your eye focuses greens almost exactly on the retina, which means its easy for your eye to look at it. Yes, PW Sux, I concur that you must look TOTALLY ethereal in your mint green overhauls.
Alas, I do not own anything mint green. Not even underwear. Sigh. However, today I am wearing the gorgeous orange red Joie silk embroidered flowy top that I won recently. I haven’t washed it yet. Noooo. The pit stains are as gorgeous as the day I received it from my virile Fed Ex man.
Karen, I really want you to know that I respect you and admire you tremendously. The only advice I can give you is to keep your chin up and keep reaching for the stars. You might never have the financial backing of a millionaire rancher. You might never have a whole brood of gorgeously photoshopped ranch hands (er, punks). You might never have a bevy of bloggy buddies standing in line to lick your feet. You might never have the wit and beauty and indefatigableness of the mighty and powerful Ree. If you violently throw yourself into the idol worship of God’s Gift to the Internets and live vicariously through her you might be able to finally find your way home. Do it for yourself. Do it for the unborn baby that will soon be bursting out into this world in the most wonderful, terrible, perfect birth experience you’ll ever have. The one without the drugs. The one where you let out a primal scream, which will make your husband’s jaw muscle tense up. It will change your life forever. Ree Religion.
AND, whatever you do, don’t click here:
http://www.salad-in-a-jar.com/family-recipes/miscellaneous/recycling-a-pioneer-woman-t-shirt

Mo (just another) May 19, 2011 at 3:06 pm

MY EYES!

PWSux May 19, 2011 at 3:29 pm

OK, here’s where I admits that I’ve already starting adding some strooooong alcohol to my coke. And I think I forgot the coke last fill.

See, when I read that link and it says “recyling a pioneer woman t-shit” and it’s at a sight for salad in a jar my mind began a wandering. It wandered and wandered and then started picturing PW’s shirt in a jar and being recycled, like sort of through a shredder. And it was a true vision in my dream. There was Tia and she was shaking that jar and dancing around a fire.

Does any of this make sense?

Am I alone in my vision?

I’m gonna go get a refill.

poppy May 19, 2011 at 4:15 pm

You are not alone. I would have recycled it into a butt rag.

Cat, Chaps and Emma May 19, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Pass the ALCOHOL…..
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!!!!!!!!!!

anon. May 19, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I have a Pioneer Woman t-shirt!!! I am so totally making mine into an apron! (If I can remember where I stashed it.)

poppy May 19, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I think you should do a guest post on how to make your very own PW Sux apron. I’ll send you some puffy paint!

anon. May 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I’m not the least bit imaginative. I should send it to Pie Near Woman!

poppy May 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

You can do it!

Penny May 20, 2011 at 7:36 am

I’ll let you use my bedazzler if you want….rhinestones go great with puffy paint!

Kharn May 19, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Viewed. Too. Close. To. Dinner. (mhmhmhmhmp)

Kait May 19, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Oh Poppy how could you! I will never get over how she thinks BW is better than other ‘novels’ out there. And how she is a fabolous writer and photographer. OMG. Gag me with a flowy top!

poppy May 19, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Sacrilege! How can you think bad thoughts about the OriginalLoverofButter? She IS the greatest writer known to man! She is sunshine and light and wind chimes and doggie kisses.

I pity the poor fool who don’t eat my cereal! #namethatmovie

Kait May 19, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I must say I was very disappointed that the T-shirt was not being worn by a dog rolling in doo doo or something. And then to read the disturbing text. Ugh.

poppy May 19, 2011 at 6:21 pm

double ugh
i don’t even read that stuff anymore
like knives AND ice picks

that’s what i got when i googled orange shirt pioneer woman

sigh.

Karen May 19, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Oh dear God, that can never be unseen. I may need Mo to prop my feet up again and fan me until the vapors pass.

Thank you, Poppy, for giving me a shred of hope that I may be one day as mighty as Ree, who so bravely gave birth without pain medication…except I’ve already done that (twice, once with a 12 pound baby, THANKYOUVERYMUCH).

But I’m sure I didn’t do it as magnificently as Ree, who used primal screams (which actually make the pain worse, Reeyouidiot) and was able to get her husband to twitch, while mine just pats me on the head and tells me I’m doing fine and then ducks before I can punch him in the jaw.

Penny May 20, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Poppy you are a very naughty girl! On the bright side though, you should totally send this to Pie Near Woman….she would look faboosh in one of these.

Homschlr4ever May 28, 2011 at 10:36 am

Now her ads are showing up on other peoples websites? Really? Really? So does that mean if you click through to Bushes Baked Beans, she gets money for it? Please tell me no, now I’ll have to boycott Bushes Baked Beans. GDammint.

Kait May 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Is our forum working? I can’t see anything over there.

Suz May 19, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I 3>!!!! Am I in the right place? Is this where I am supposed to say the condition of my kitchen pots and pans? You do so many great give-a-ways and I’m so lucky and you’re so generous. I mean really. My pots and pans are 30 years old! I would love to win!!!!

Or is this where they are giving away butt-ugly color-clad mixers?? Oh!! Either way, I love you and want to win!!!!1! Can I stay at The Lodge>!>!??!?!!? (I didn’t start drinking until 4 pm central time/5pm eastern time).

wineinmyglass May 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Can I send in my empty wine bottles?
You can cash them in for the recycled post.

Love ya more than my cork screw.

Karen May 19, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Thank you! Of course we’ll take your wine bottles. You are so giving and generous.

sparkly jules May 19, 2011 at 10:17 pm

What? No Basset Hounds? No Charlie? No Walter? It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not.

Miz Ducksoop May 19, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Is this where I enter to win a Kitchenaid Mixer in the color of a slightly decomposed pumpkin? Or maybe a slightly worn size L flowy blouse from your very own closet? Because I luvyoumore’nmyluggage. Amen.

PS As I write this I am drinking from a mint green wine glass–not that it has anything to do with this post or winning a mixer *hiccup*

Stina May 19, 2011 at 11:13 pm

I just want to say – it is COMPLETELY legal for your kids to drive on YOUR property. My 7 year old REGULARLY takes the Navigator for donuts around the driveway. Don’t judge me! I make him sit in his booster!!

Not on a public street? Not illegal! Yay!

And also – I think I love this website more than my corkscrew…. ok, not really. But close. Ok, not really. But I do like it a whole lot!

Karen May 20, 2011 at 9:13 am

Thank you for helping me understand that certain activities, while insanely dangerous for children, are not illegal! Y’all are so great!

Casey May 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I was going to say the same thing. Growing up in North Dakota meant most kids learned to drive on the farm before they could get their licenses. My boyfriend has been driving since he was 9 years old and that included more than just a truck. He drove all kinds of tractors and even could drive a semi tractor prior to turning 15 (the legal street driving age in ND).

Penny May 20, 2011 at 7:47 am

I literally wept for poor Karen when I read this post (while wearing mint-green holey yoga pants naturally). I just want to put my arms around her, pat her on her little head and tell her IT GETS BETTER! In the meantime, Karen honey don’t look down on yourself…you CAN be like PW someday if you really try and this baby is a perfect opportunity. Just remember to take your $3,000 camera to the hospital with you and take pictures of EVERYTHING! I think that some shots of your feet in the stirrups (wearing your UGGS) would be especially lovely. Most importantly….just remember that in a few weeks you will have birthed that baby and can resume your comsumption of alcohol…that’ll help a lot. Also remember that we here at PW Sux love you more than our luggage! P.S. I would like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to PW Sux and all her awesomeness. Thanks for letting us post on your truly incredible blog….we’re not worthy!

Karen May 20, 2011 at 9:15 am

*sniff* Thank you, Penny. It’s just so hard sometimes when I look at PW’s wonderful, gorgeous, Technicolor/Photoshopped life, and realize my life is nothing like that. It makes me so sad. If I only HAD a $3,000 camera, you can bet I’d be taking it to the hospital with me! As it is, I shall have to limp along with what I have, since most of our discretionary income is used up by frills such as food, diapers, and housing. I’m cursing myself for not marrying a rancher with millions of acres of land and a fat, tasty government contract!

Penny May 20, 2011 at 10:20 am

(passes Karen a tissue) There, there now…..you CAN be like her if you pay attention to her posts…she tells us exactly how to do it. As for the millionaire rancher….I guess this just goes to show all of us that hanging out in bars ain’t all that bad!

HennaH May 20, 2011 at 8:12 am

What happened to the forum?!?

anon. May 20, 2011 at 10:18 am

I can get into the forum just fine. ??

Lisa May 20, 2011 at 12:46 pm

My mint green flip flops bow to your overalls!

And I declare, I wish I could photoshop myself so my eyes glowed in the dark like her “Village of the Damned” children.

Sigh…life is so unfair.

The Marlboro Woman May 20, 2011 at 2:41 pm

O golly gee willickers as I sit here in my mint green bustier and matching thong, I’m weeping mint green tears and laughing my mint green ass off. Waiter! Another green apple martini to help me endure all this mint green wonderfulness.

Cacklin Rose May 21, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I’m gonna refashion my Pioneer Woman t-shirt into a few Glad Rags and sell them to the vegan down the street. If I had a PW t-shirt.

Homschlr4ever May 28, 2011 at 10:31 am

Gawd have I missed you guys. Nobody does it better.

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